Catalogue

Hammacher Schlemmer, self-billed as "America's longest running catalogue" arrived in my mailbox today. It claims to offer "the best, the only and the unexpected".

The 120 MPH Electric Car featured on the cover for $108,000, is only 39-inches wide. I get out my tape measure and figure I can just squeeze inside, then refer to my college physics text and indeed it might reach 120 MPH were I to drive it off the top of a 15-story parkade.

The Applauding Automatic Return Putting Cup at $39.95 makes the sound of polite applause'. I'm tempted, but I'll need one that makes a loud guffaw.

As a boy, I wanted to become a spy, so I seriously consider The G-Man's Convertible Travel Jacket at $69.95 featuring 40 hidden pockets. An x-ray photo shows a number of interesting possibilities for the pockets including one for a small vial and one for a pen-weapon. My vial will hold knock out drops, and my pen will utilize poison ink. (Beware the editor who turns down this haibun!)

In the end, I settle for  The Perpetual Motion Rotating Globe. Even if I tire of it, I can tell my friends that my hamster has circled the globe more than once.

near miss—
the neighbor's kid zips by
on a chrome scooter

Published in Life Sherpa